Woe to the World of Canon
by Rhinestone Wrapping Paper
Summary: A MarySue bashing fic. An awful horrible creature aka a MarySue is unleashed upon the world of Lord of the Rings! Will poor Middle Earth ever be the same again? Read if you dare! ...wow that was lame.
1. Canon As We Know It Goes 'Boink'

A/N: My first ever fanfiction. I'm so excited…ok not really. Actually I'm a little scared that it will turn out incredibly badly. But hey, no points for not trying right?…Or something to that extent.

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, or any enclosed…things whatever you call them, anyway it's not mine.

Chapter 1: Canon As We Know It Goes 'Boink!'

Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname was reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyy pretty. In fact, she was so pretty that people were torn between hating her since she was an evil, unnaturally perfect, and horrible creature, and adoring her because of her evil, unnatural, and horrible, perfection powers.

Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname was very obesessed with the Lord of the Rings movies. Not the books, since she was simply too dumb to be able to read them, and also they were so heavy that picking them up might've broken her unnaturally slender arms. That or she might've gotten a 'gasp!' paper cut on her unnaturally fair and delicate skin from turning the pages.

Anyway, this girl, Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname, had the stereotypical long blonde hair that fell to her ankles in shimmering waves of different but artistic shades of yellow and gold, her eyes were a bright vibrant sapphire blue that also had some light green, and shiny silver in them. Her face was perfectly formed and her figure put hourglasses to shame.

She wore expensive pink silk dresses because anything less soft than silk might make her skin rough. Oh the horror of that thought tormented her night after night as she tossed and turned in her pink silk pajamas under her pink silk bed sheets and pink silk comforter in her pink silk canopy bed in her big pink room in her family's mansion, which was, tragically, not pink. You can see how awful her life isn't (except from her view).

Getting back to whatever plot this hopeless story might have now…

One bright and sunny day, Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname was walking through a forest that was conveniently located behind her house.

"Oh woe is me." She said in a sad overly melodramatic, not to mention melodic, voice. "For soon I shall have to go back to school, where I have no friends since all the girls are so jealous of me and all the boys are so shy and nervous, and I shall have to carry my oh so heavy pink silk backpack day after day. And sit in a small stuffy classroom and actually hurt my poor beautiful head trying in vain to think." For although she received straight A's for some unknown Mary-Sue reason, this repulsive girl was incredibly empty-headed.

Tears slipped down her unnaturally pretty face seemingly in slow motion for added drama.

"Oh how I wish I could live in the world of Legolas, for I bet that I could get him to fall in love with me. And I would not have to go to school." Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname said. When she opened her eyes slowly for more drama, she was shocked to find herself in Middle Earth! Don't ask how she got there, or how she knew she was there, it's just more of those mysteries of the Mary-Sues.

Anyway, due to her evil and unnatural (notice how many times that word appears in this story?) Mary-Sue attractive male radar power, Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname quickly located Legolas. Who was conveniently alone, and conveniently on his way to Rivendell.

Needless to say when our poor unfortunate elf prince saw the horrible Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname and her awful Mary-Sue powers began to work on him, Legolas thought (or was forced by evil powers to think) that Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname was beautiful.

"Hello!" The awful beast said.

"Hello!" Legolas said, because this is a Mary-Sue we're talking about and she completely mutilates all forms of canon.

"Are you going to that place with Elrond?" Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname asked. Legolas nodded.

"Yes, milady, I am. You may come too, I am sure Elrond will not mind." And so they started off together. Nevermind that Legolas wasn't moving a moment before and probably had a reason for it. Nevermind that that he didn't even know the name let alone the intent of this strange girl who had appeared out of nowhere. And nevermind that Rivendell was supposed to be several days off, but they got there in a few minutes and Legolas for some reason miraculously knew Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname's name, yes the whole long stupid thing.

No, nevermind any of that, because Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname is a Mary-Sue, and when a Mary-Sue is involved, all those things seem to just _happen_ and everyone except those reading (and in this case writing as well) seem to have no problems with it whatsoever.

tbc…

A/N: Well, that's the first chapter. I hope you hated it as much as I did. Next up, the Mary-Sue attends the Council of Elrond, which is mortifyingly twisted due to her presence, joins the Fellowship, ruins more plotlineness and begins her 'courtship' with Legolas.


	2. Sickening, Isn't It?

A/N: Those of you reading, forgive my lateness. I blame advertising. Mostly because everyone hates advertising and therefore will not argue with me.

Kd7sov: Thank you for your flattering compliments, and yes, there is such a mortifying number of 'Sues out there, that it is becoming most difficult not to understand their basic functions. As for whether or not readers appreciate my work, I really cannot say. It is most probable that they are simply too lazy to review, and as I have more than once been guilty of the same crime, I really cannot complain...ok maybe I can but it would be rather hypocritical of me.

Disclaimer: I own nothing relevant enough to be legally assaulted for. Leave me to mock the horrors in peace.

Chapter 2: Sickening, isn't it?

So, Legolas (poor fellow) and the hated Mary-Sue: Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname arrived unnaturally quickly at Rivendell; which Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname could not be bothered to remember the actual name of and therefore referred to as 'that place with Elrond.' Frankly I'm impressed she remembered Elrond's name...actually I don't believe 'impressed' is the right word as that may promote a positive message. 'Shocked' is probably more appropriate.

At any rate, there they were, a monstrous abomination and an elf unfortunate enough to fall under her abhorrent spell, walkingright oninto the last homely house. Eru save the poor world. To make a long story into a story of reasonable length, the whole house immediately fell under the spell of Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname, and was made to think she was 'pretty'. I hesitate to say 'attractive' as it is beyond me how anyone so obviously freakish in her perfection and evil intentions could be considered 'attractive' at all, spell or no.

So it came to pass that Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname corrupted all beings residing in that place. Except Frodo. Who by some odd twist of fate was protected by the almost-equal evil of the Ring even as said Ring ate away at his mind. Why? Because I felt so dreadfully for the poor humanoids being afflicted by the awful creature that is shamefully enough of my creation, that I thought I should grant them a glimmer of hope; and it seemed only fitting thatsaid glimmer of hope for this atrocity, would be the same is the hope that would rescue them from the plaguingthreat of Sauron and all that.

The Council of Elrond occurred at a time far sooner than, canonly, it should have. Those despicable Mary-Sue powers at work again no doubt. Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname was, for some reason, (Come now, we must all know by now that there is no explanation other than said Sue's evil powers.) allowed to attend despite the fact that she was female, had mysteriously turned up only the day before, and had the mental capacity of your common rock; meaning to bear no insult to rocks by comparing them to such a thing as Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname. As it so happened, the council continued _almost_ canonly...at least the actual basis of it, Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname kept interrupting and stealing lines, and overall causing incredibly disruption withmerely her presence.

Needless to say however, no one argued or scolded, or better yet destroyed the beast, as they were all under thrall due to her gross misuse of dark powers. Neither, did they argue, or scold, or destroy, or at least stop, her from joining the Fellowship when her opportunity arose. Frodo, thoughtotally petrified and disgusted by Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname, but being the overly-decent and well-meaning hobbit he is, did not decline her 'generous' offer.

And so they went to pack and prepare for the trip. Normally time would become distorted due to the manipulation of Sue powers, but Sue's are generally obessessive about possessions. Meaning that she would take the necessary time to pack an astounding amount of items, which she would, of course, force others to carry for her. Legolas, and we really must feel sorry for poor Legolas as he is the one Sues seem to go after most often, being an overly-decent sort of fellow in his own right, decided to take it upon himself to help Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname pack her bags. Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname decide this was the moment in which to spring her ah...less than noble...ah... plans. The ensuing shall we say spectacle? is far to horrific for me to have any desire to elaborate on...or type...or in fact think of/imagine at all.

Tbc...

A/N: Second chapter is finally finished. I consider my obligation to taunt the lamer powers fulfilled for the moment. Comment upon the screwed-up-ed-ness of the story. Should you feel the need to flame, go right ahead, than stick around for the next chapter, where my reply shall incinerate you with the force of my righteous fury...just kidding. I probably will leave a scalding retort in the next chapter, but I honestly won't be bothered very much.


End file.
